I was recently divorced, very unhappy with my life, and equally unhappy with my job. Looking back, I don't understand that. I had a GREAT job, with lots of opportunities to get to know fascinating people. I also had, if I'd paid attention, a pretty decent life. I had a cool apartment in a building I could never afford now...it's become upscale, lol. It had hardwood floors, a sun porch, and two GIANT closets, as well as a built in set of shelves and drawers in one room. Had a rather interesting but not really good kitchen... It was in an ancient building, Pretty Boy Floyd had been said to have lived there in his time.
So, hating everything (which was stupid) I decided to change it. I started an affair with someone who was old enough to be my father, and moved out to the suburbs, to one of those cookie-cutter apartments: balcony, one bedroom, large living room, miniscule kitchen. Almost double the rent, but with a 'posh' address. Lost the job, got another one... life went on. Still didn't like it. Then I got in touch with a piece of my history: the pastor who had baptized me the second time. He and his wife, who had been a friend to me, lived in Oklahoma, and suddenly moved, no reason given, to a new church in DeQueen, Arkansas. His wife was desperately ill with MS, having a horrible time. Their two daughters were trying to cope. The 11 year old wasn't having a great time of it at all. Pastor's wife asked me to come south, if I could find a job, and help with the kids. Especially the young one.
Twenty-four years later, here I am... still not caring much for my life. Having looked back on all that (and several bits and pieces I didn't mention, like a 12 year marriage to someone I should never have talked to, even, lol) I have thought it through, and, the factor that remains the same in all these issues is... ME. I need to learn to deal with me, and maybe the rest of it will straighten out.
Sorry this isn't too well written, I'm just, at the moment, dealing with getting it out. Perhaps I'll write more, later, in better form. :)
Better out than in, or so says Shrek. *hug* That's half the battle. The other half is gaining enough perspective to decide what's "fight-able" and what does need a war, but a generous application of love and acceptance. OR at least that's the conclusion I seem to be coming to...
ReplyDelete...oh, and that is one berry cuteness cat!
ReplyDeleteTis Baby, of course.
Delete*hugs*
ReplyDeleteDon't be too harsh on yourself. It is easy to look back and see the errors of our ways ...
It *is* true what they say about hindsight being 20/20 isn't it? :)
Delete*nods*
DeleteLearn from your past and keep your eyes on the future. You can waste years iffing and areing about what was and what could have been. Best to just move forward and take whatever lesson you can from the past. At least that is my perspective. Not sure just how crystal clear it is - lol
I think you write just fine. Oh, the sins and joys of our days! You are more honest than most; you are honest with yourself and that is a rare quality.
ReplyDeleteThank you! I always believe my language is too rough, not polished, not cool...
DeleteUsed to drive my ex nuts with my tendency to say 'on the other hand' seeing a multitude of sides in any discussion... poor guy, he was all one sided.
This is genius: "I have thought it through, and, the factor that remains the same in all these issues is... ME. I need to learn to deal with me, and maybe the rest of it will straighten out." I'm working on that myself, and I seem to be a perpetual work in progress, but with a hell of a lot of work and precious little progress, ya know? I feel like I'm slowly piecing myself back together, and every piece is really hard won. Self awareness is hard work, isn't it?
ReplyDeleteAlso- I always see every topic from at least 12 "other hands", so I totally get what you mean. Makes it hard to make a decision.
And I SO feel you on the writing. It always sounds much better in my head, and then comes out a totally different creature when I write it out. :)